Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
