Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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