guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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