he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
