Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize