There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
