My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
