She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize