just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
