Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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