Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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