I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
