I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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