I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
