I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
