my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My hand turned me down
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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