Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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