I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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