Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize