I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
