woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I need a burrito and a hug.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
