even my farts smell like vagina
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
