Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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