Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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