she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
