I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I need moral support for this bender
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
