In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
