I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
