No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
