whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
