Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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