I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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