just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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