I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
