this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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