moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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