Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I want a musical about memes.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize