i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
