Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
