I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
