Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
