omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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