just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
