I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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