she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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