Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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