so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
