I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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