I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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