Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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