You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize