i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
