hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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