the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
