Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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