i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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