I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
