this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize