Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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