Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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