Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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