I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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