Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I am available for nakedness
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
