i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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