Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
